Sometimes situations are not fair. People are damaged and they do not make sense. As much as you can love the light in someone if they are obscured by their personal darkness they will cloak you within it too. My ex-bf (the junkie) once told me that I should get over my heartbreak because the boy did not have darkness. He said that people like me, my dead friend, and him, we all have the darkness and when you have been in it, seen it and escaped it, you can’t expect something deeper with someone who has never seen it. The fairytale will be an illusion. It will be playing pretend. 

He advised me that I needed to not settle because rare is the beast that has come through the darkness. It wasn’t an attempt to win me back. That shipped sailed along time ago for both of us. But if grief taught me anything, it is that love has the ability to shift.

My ex-bf, he is in the darkness. My dead friend will always be in the darkness but I am slowly moving from the darkness. But you cannot be loved by someone who has no darkness if that is where you have come from. People are lonely because they do not feel understood that is the bridge to connection. Maybe what he was trying to teach me was ‘stay true, there will be someone who has darkness and is moving away from it and will love and understand your darkness.’ It’s what keeps the real ones real. We are not our past, we are not the darkness. We will not be in darkness if we refuse to be engulfed by it. You can choose light and live and be better. Or you can fall. You can die and fall into darkness and it is a scary and blind place devoid of love. Devoid of love for yourself and love for everything greater than what we are. Jesus, maybe this is why I would always dream of my dead friend’s blue eyes. He was blinded by darkness. 

I am currently afraid. Seems like the lesson that is eternally returning to me is that fear is the cage to your freedom. And what is the thing that we fear the most? Well that was lesson 2. Truth. 

Lesson 1- Forgiveness, Lesson- 2 Truth, Lesson- 3 Fear. Is freedom really ‘freedom from fear’? Wouldn’t you be happy/content/fulfilled if you weren’t afraid? The two can’t mutually exist. You are either in a state of fear or a state of ‘non fear’. I don’t think the antonym is brave. Perhaps the opposite to fear has to be truth. And the key to truth is bravery. These are all such obscure concepts until we have to practice them. All these fucking books and you still have to reach the painful conclusion yourself through damaging your own life. Please show me someone with emotionally stability. 

The idea of fear is different to fearlessness which I think is too connected to recklessness. You can’t fake not being afraid. So speak your truth and make sure you are the one you are being the most truthful to. What I am talking about is something so much greater. A mastery over ourselves. Holy fucking shit. Did Tony Robbins ‘Tonify’ me. Fuck, is my greatest fear myself? 100% Did you guys already know that?

Again with the eye motif and dead friend talk. What I really wanted to tell him after he died was ‘take my fucking eyes’ so you can see yourself how I see you. If we looked at our reflection through the people that love us, that can see us, then maybe we wouldn’t hate ourselves. Now, this is tricky. I don’t think you should use others as a mirror to yourself. Lots of people will tell you you are worthless so make you sure you trust who you let reflect back truth to you. Ironically, the psychic told me that your twin flame is put on this earth to be your mirror and I’m not gonna lie. He did teach me a lot about fear. I see his fear and it reminds me of my own. I can see the cage. It is heartbreaking. I can see the light and I can see the darkness. But I’m fucking scared too. Because as I like to go on about, truth is scary and subjective and what looks true to me, may not be true to him and I cant dictate whether his truth is a lie to himself or not. That’s not fair. And you wonder why I’m obsessed with what is real and what is true in this world. Especially when it comes to the truth about myself because that is the only reality I have to hold onto. So I better be brave enough to not be afraid to face my real truths. The scary ones, the ones that were forged in darkness. 

Jesus. As in Christ. Taught me how to love. Love is acceptance and something that we need to give without expectation or return. When we expect its return it becomes a fear. A cage. If I can practice kindness with no return then love has to be the next level up. The little heroine perseveres. 

Accept the fears of others you cannot change them. I am grateful for the perspective of another friend of mine. Sometimes my greatest mistake is reassuring people with the words I want to hear without any regard for the effect it is not what will reassure them. 

Here is my example: I told this boy ‘if you cheat on me, I don’t care. I will make my choice and get out because the only thing I can control is my reaction’. My friend, was mortified. She said that I have set myself for failure. No one likes to hear this, and as honest as I was trying to be she told me she would interpret that as ‘I know your going to do it and this is my contingency plan’. How can anyone feel secure if the person you want to give your heart to you has told you they don’t care if you do that and assumes that you will. It is a learned defence from my past and the boyfriend who did cheat on me while telling me they loved me (actions not words). I didn’t know. I was trying to reassure the boy who tells me constantly he is afraid to hurt me that I would be ok. She said if you enter a relationship you expect the other person not to be ok if you hurt them with your actions. Not some cold ‘I don’t care. Do what you want’. I shut down the future fear of that happening through my words which I see can be interpreted as I don’t trust you to not hurt me. Believe me tonight, I understood that I have an expectation that he should trust me not to hurt him when I have been so callous in accusing him that I essentially don’t trust him if I can say those things. How can we be vulnerable without trust? I haven’t been truthful or honest to myself. And I just realised that. Bitter pill. 

Next thing I did wrong. ‘If you don’t want to be with me because you don’t love me enough, I accept this and understand this’. My intention was to communicate that this boy didn’t have to worry that they would hurt me if that was his truth. My darling friend said “SJ, you sound like you have one foot out the door that you’re planning the end. It doesn’t feel good to hear that. Be vulnerable. Say that if it doesn’t work out you will be upset and hurt and that is ok, don’t put up this wall that says i expect you not to love me. You are defeating the relationship before it begins’. I just couldn’t fathom that. I guess because my fear is that my love is toxic and damaging so I want to reassure someone I want to love that their love is not toxic and damaging. It never meant that I expected that or their love was inadequate. “if you don’t love me enough I understand” does not equate to your love is not enough for me. I see the capability and love that this boy has. I think  I said it because if the words are true: it is what I need to hear to let go. Am I selfish of egotistical to not believe him? I want to see his truth without fear. I want to speak my truth without fear. I want the courage and strength to go deep within myself to make sure that when I speak it is my real truth too.

I’m not sure where the ground is, I want to tell him ‘I want to try with you’. I want to release our past and start clean and fresh. We do need to deal with the issues and baggage but also there are a lot of words. Too much talking when there should be an action plan. When there should be real honesty. This is what we are going to do in the future to address our respective insecurities and are you comfortable with that? Here are the steps I can take in action. This is what I need from you? Are you able to do that? Where is the compromise?

Acceptance of difference. Acceptance that what I find reassuring is what you find triggering.

Practice acceptance little heroine. It is your only shot here. Start telling the truth to yourself. I suspect you are fucking afraid. Let it go. There might be something greater than your own fears.

I am sorry.

SJ xx