Six years. Today, at your grave I left you roses of different colours. Yellows, pinks, oranges and reds. And it felt right. I cried from a dark place in my soul and asked your forgiveness from a place deep in my heart. For what? I don’t know. I knew for the first time and was […]

HI. I think it is coming together. I am sitting and I am writing and that is the first sign of tangible recovery. My god, will you have to listen to the endless droll of a self-pitying drug addict? Never.  I don’t identify with being an addict which is strange because it is generally accepted […]

Here is a copy and paste of words I wrote on Friday 25th of March. I looked at my blog and realise I have not been able to commit words to you, my dear readership, since January 1st 2022. BAD. There are reasons. Coke addiction. That was … boring. And still is. While we are […]

It’s New Year’s Eve and my plan is to spend it alone. Or with my best friends, any work of written fiction or non fiction by an author I admire. If this is the date that we write a summation of the year then I am fucked. Jupiter is in Pisces and for the next […]

There is a distinct fear and anxiety I face each morning when I hit the page. This is my equivalent of exercise anxiety. A underwright instagram influencer once posted a slide saying ‘the only workout you regret is the one you don’t do’ and it was effective in motivating me through anxiety and not inspiration. […]

Turns out Daddy is coughing up presents. Ask and ye shall receive. It sure feels like being bought. The judicious side of me, the one that excuses responsibility tells me it’s ok to let him have joy by giving me whatever my little greedy heart desires. It’s also incredibly familiar like the times he would […]

I have dinner with my father this evening. He requested another seat at the table. If he brings a woman I don’t know if i will walk out. I wake up now, everyday, with a breathless anxiety of fear. And the only thing that will abate it is this. Writing my thoughts to no one. […]

I wonder if God is testing me. I have initiated dinner with my father, lured by the prospect of his life insurance policy. If baby plays nice will baby get rich? I feel owed compensation yet I am wise enough to know that in this world we are owed nothing. Today, I don’t feel ‘good’, […]

My blood levels over the past month, reading higher of diazepam than haemoglobin knocked my psychic powers out. I didn’t see this one coming.  Within twenty-four hours I am sitting at a cafe, I know purposefully closes in one hour, across from my father. Original Daddy. I am nine and he is the man that […]

Hello, old friend. It’s been five months and everything has changed if you look close. From afar you would still think it’s the same story on a different day. I promise I am so different I don’t know who I see anymore. I’ve been distracted, or removed from myself. I left a relationship that died […]