Where is the safety I seek? Here on paper. By myself, within myself. I’m losing my shit. I’m so fragile I think I might break. Is it always about surviving? MB says no. Life is too beautiful and the future so undefined that it’s not about surviving the day to day, there is more. I understand my strength. It doesn’t mean I have to like it. I keep forgetting these lessons I’m supposed to learn. I don’t know if the world or the universe or the powers that be can change me and that in itself is terrifying. Maybe we look back to the past to see how we have changed but the scary thing about character is, I’m not convinced you can change who you are. By the time you’ve healed everything that holds you back, will there be anything left of living? It’s bleak. That’s what I have in my head and I would love to catch some boundless optimism.

I read a book on violence, what I want to talk about is viewing things through the scope of tragedy. Yes, violence is inherently tragic. It’s a simple truth. Like all truths. The damage we cause others and mostly ourselves is difficult to digest without assigning blame. That’s how we seek to heal apparently, by understanding. And if we can point and say this action is good or this action is bad it gives us something to hold onto. I’m not saying that it makes me feel better. It never has. I think, that I am mostly compassionate and not judgmental yet I read this whole book about seeing an event as tragic rather than good or bad or my favourite coping mechanism “finding the lesson”.

Maybe that’s really what MB meant when he told me to “stay in the hurt”. To see and feel the tragedy and for that to be enough. Is that what “it is what it is” means? My least favourite expression that exists. 

I’m standing still because I don’t know what direction to move and I am grateful that I have enough faith in me to know that things change and move and life looks so different to what you expect. Men, in general don’t believe in fate. I find it hard to comprehend through that things aren’t meant to happen for a reason. Events have to take us to the place we need to go. So, my little heroine. Have you tried the path of least resistance?

I don’t know if I can do this. 

SJ xx