Hello. I needed to come back to this space to make sense of the thoughts in my head and the dramas that I perpetuate. It is now 2018. I am three days in, and the thing with expectation is it can only bite you in your fine pilates ass. I tell people that 2017 was one of the top three worst years of my life and to be grateful that it is done is understatement. I am still unsure as to where that leaves me. NB* I also need to find an alliteration for Melbourne. ‘Melbourne musings’ sucks. So jump in if you got anything better.

The thoughts we hold regarding ourselves are the most dangerous weapons in the world. Look at the world we live in. All the political leaders think they are right. It is probably because they are all men. Back to dangerous thoughts: I know this because a) someone I cared about very much in the past sent me a text post new years. There were a string. Nineteen in total (no response from me) and still counting. The worst thing he said to me was when he called me a chasm. In regards to how I feed off other people for emotional support. All the other shit about being a whore was fine. Funny what archetypes we care about. Anyway, chasm is some mean shit. Then of course, I googled ‘how to let go of people’ and there was heaps of shit on positive affirmation. Some was helpful.

My biggest fear is regression and the problem with growth is that when you’re growing you don’t see it. Suddenly you’re taller like physically… I’m talking about puberty. It’s the only example I got. It’s a weak one.

I hate talking about New Year resolutions. I just want to know where I don’t want to be and the most important thing to me at the moment is cutting people out. It’s such an interesting thing, so many people can’t be forgotten or need closure but the power is in not having the last word and I don’t believe in that ‘focus on you’ bullshit. When I look back on what I experienced in the train wreck that was 2017, the main lesson I want to haul into this New Year is ‘fuck things that don’t make me happy’. I get life isn’t always fun. You’ve read my work. I’m too cynical for that.

I’m sounding self-indulgent. But how can I possibly give anyone any epiphany on life when I haven’t figured any of this out. Poor little heroine just keep trucking on. Yeah, writing is making me feel better. It’s just a bit annoying that I can’t confess my secrets because they come at the expense of others. Best to write a novel with thinly veiled caricatures of people I hate. Working on it!

What are the things I am licensed to talk about? My dead friend. Again. It was very formative and the grief has settled into this weird life perspective. He spent so much of his life sad and hurting and unable to escape that until it ended. And I look at that not as some Aesop fable but it hurts me (Jesus fucking Christ. Did I put a feeling on paper?) to think it was that bad for him. And it has made me question the people we keep out of some semblance of loyalty even if they are no good for us. He was part of a very different part of my life. I feel weathered like I have experienced too many lifetimes in this one but green like I still know nothing. Perhaps this is the human condition.

Recently I have been in discussion with a friend about relationships. And how a healthy relationship ie. Two people in ‘love’ need to be good for each other and make each other grow. Thing is, there is a danger element. I am not a citrus tree that requires watering and a gardener. Maybe this is just me, who can’t accept help. The idea of growth is odd, people should always grow, but they can also grow apart and you can’t cultivate someone’s growth. Is growth the incorrect word? Isn’t it a bit patronising to approach the situation with the attitude of improving someone? One should be challenged but all improvement comes from within. Otherwise I wouldn’t have spent my morning writing a list of the people I was gonna cut from my life (would recommend). It’s pretty easy. “Who do I want in my future”? If all I can focus on to keep my unstable mental health at bay is forward momentum then that is all I can achieve. It is the only plan I have. Don’t take it away.

I’m done. Brb gotta do some more mediocre self reflection and find a satisfactory answer I can live down then vaguely hint out on my semi anonymous blog. This is all very circular.

xx SJ