What am I going to talk about today? I got one thing on my mind and it’s love. My favourite topic. You probably never met a girl so bad at it.

Yesterday was actually bad. I wrote til the sun went down and all I could produce was something below mediocre. For those of you interested in process. When I sit down to do this, I write what I think. Just type it out. It means all my posts have the same agonising generic opening and half finished thoughts on life. Patience.

I think yesterday was so painful because I’ve been processing the things that are on my mind. Our little heroine had a little run in with that monster we refer to as her ex-boyfriend. Fuck it why don’t we talk about it. I really fucking hope one day someone will publish this and I will get Taylor Swift rich off that disaster of a romance we failed at for four fucking years. BABE.

So the monster ex-bf sent me a stomach wrenching email. Can we all just give him a minute to get over himself cause he can go out of his way to express his ‘hurt’ that I didn’t explain why I blocked him on Facebook and all his friends have to tell him about me but not fucking wish me a happy birthday. Hey. If you’re petty I’m petty savage. Fuck for your birthday I should send you this link. But you are not that special. You are an example I use on how not to be awful. Fuck I’m mean.

What I learned from that little passive aggressive email tit for tat about who is scaling that high road without breaking a sweat, is that, selective reality is scary. The way we absorb and reject information is revealing. I write a lot of emails. And I love the different ways that my friends approach this form. Whilst I was trying to salvage the carnage of my relationship I read up on a pseudo pop psych theory called ‘the five love languages’ it is based on how different people express love. For example I express love through action. I do things that are small and thoughtful. Another person may express love through language. Constantly telling you how much they love you. Although we might both feel the same amounts of love, I don’t speak this love language so when you tell me you love me it’s so much less meaningful then if you pick up my dry cleaning. And even though I always make time for you and show up when you need me, that is not as valuable to you as positive verbal affirmation. Agree to disagree maybe? I’m skeptical, looks like a lot of love lost in translation. SJ, love a boy that understands you.

With this theory in mind I have noticed that the most effective way to speak to someone is in the behaviour that they best understand. How did I fix my monster ex-bf situation? I was graciously passive aggressive. The email ended with me saying ‘I’m happy to catch up, as friends  :)’. What I really wanted to say was fuck off and leave me alone forever because I would never be friends with someone who texts their ex to fuck when they’re current relationship gets hard. Call Justin and cry me a river m8. Miracle to god, the smiley- faced friendzone shit actually worked though. Of course I didn’t mean a fucking word of being happy to catch up and I will never ever do it. But some people only respond to polite ‘white’ lies. He would rather live in a delusion that we’re all good than hear the truth that we don’t have to be friends. What the fuck is this world? Sometimes I feel like I completely lack social graces because sparing someone’s feelings with ‘white’ lies is straight up different to being honest and direct with tact. Not the same! But tell it to monsieur monster over there. I tried every approach before I realised I had to be willing to speak his language one more time for my own inner peace.

Let’s throw in some language theory while I’m here. I read a book years ago called “Through the Language Glass- why the world looks different in other languages” (would recommend). It talks about how culture shapes language, and how language shapes our view of reality. Certain words do not exist in certain cultures because they have no use for them, after all language is about communicating concepts that are important. Why would a word exist if you had no use for it? This is also why language evolves. So it follows that no one culture is less developed; it’s just a different use of language. People are still able to communicate other concepts but the language that they have to do so may be restricted.

Enter love languages. Your love language defines the way in which you are limited to express love. All these things that define how we see the world are so nuanced into how we were taught to express our experience. It’s interesting if you stretch it to how to interact with people, it goes back to what I was saying about mirroring someone’s behaviour so it translates into a language that they speak. The detrimental thing I experienced was that by always speaking someone else’s love language it begins to alter the shape of your mother tongue (if language is the tool we use to express reality, our reality can be altered by the language we use. Whoa.).

I couldn’t remain communicating in his verbal love language cause it directly opposed mine. If you are constantly being told I love you in a language you don’t understand isn’t it the same as not being loved at all? Whether I noticed it at the time or not, I began to lose myself in the relationship precisely because in order to be heard I needed to speak his language. I stopped expressing anger in an upfront manner, I started repressing and seething until that grew to resentment and resentment is my human poison. The most effective thing he responded to was the silent treatment (his favourite form of punishment). No thanks. But that’s the thing when you figure out how to talk to someone it becomes the tool you use. Watch out, I became so fluent in his language that I started to forget how to speak my own and my whole world suffered. Again, if our world view is limited to the language we have to express our experience in turn language becomes a tool that has the ability to alter our vision of reality. It explains a lot as to how two people can experience the same situation and come out with two completely different theories on what happened. What is a breakup? Reality is the selective version of your truth. That’s some powerful shit if you want to understand the ugliness around you.

xx SJ