Here I am feeling like Carrie Bradshaw (and I mean in a pathetic way- how do I purposefully not ask rhetorical questions to my audience to avoid looking like I idealise the worst one out of all the sex and the city characters? If you’re a Carrie- you know you’re shit. It’s fine. I still accept you)… lost my train of thought like I have lost my mind.

This process is consumption. In order to protect my autonomy and privacy and therefore my sense of self I find myself purposefully censoring. In a few ways. I am aware of who reads this or at least who has access. And whether we acknowledge it or not we create different narratives for different people in our lives cause by and by people are generally judgmental cunts. It’s easier to say nothing than to explain everything. I also want to protect the identity of the people I write about. I know I went way hard on the forgiveness thing. And it was the first thing I said that I probably wasn’t certain about. Not because of content but because of other people’s identities. “I’m not gonna blast you on the internet cause my mama taught me better than that”. Well I kinda fucking did. And it kinda fucking felt amazing and I am aware of how much power your voice has even if you are screaming into the digital expanse.

I considered opening a section and calling it ‘unsent letter’… a place to fucking slaughter the people I hate and wont forgive. List is currently on three. Watch yourself. I hate everyone and quickly. If you read spite mail and you know it’s about you and you know the people reading it know it’s about you, imagine the effect of not being able to defend yourself… The power of media and facebook and sharing your life and why we are at a constant vulnerability to have our image shattered. No wonder social media makes me inherently anxious (return to this later!). The high road sure looks pretty but its also freaking steep and I don’t want to be silent. Nervous yet? You better hope you haven’t wronged my ass.

I stand by the fact that this is an authentic version of me or at least my voice, it may not be the most candid version of me and that’s probably why I struggle to find content. I have a lot of stories. But are they for everyone and equal consumption? (ask Carrie- this rhetorical question is for you babe)

 

XX SJ