Yo. In my absence I have been indulging my own thoughts- not learning much that I already don’t preach about, it is torture. I don’t know why I’ve stopped speaking here. Nightmares are improving- this is a minor gain. There has to be something larger than coincidence at play. I am approaching my dead friend’s one year anniversary and all I see is that life, the universe or even more controversial that a higher power is taking from me- I’m not bitter about it, what I am being offered to understand here is loss, just constant loss. In my humility I have found the answer in forgiveness. I don’t even sound like me. Quick say something mean. Humility is a funny word. In order to destroy the ego and be humbled, must we face the humiliation of pride? Yes. Resounding yes. How can this be that we need ego to love ourselves but no ego to love others.

The thing that I am seeking is grace: grace in defeat, grace in submission, grace in whatever, I am not sure. Maybe if I didn’t see everything in terms of wins and losses things would be easier. Back to loss. If everything that exists is made from duality then there has to be gain in loss. There has to be death in life, there has to be something out of heartbreak. I’m not even focused on love bandaids and some mythical idea that there is some great love out there if I can persevere through this one. I’m just observing what I can possibly try to do with this information. Self-improvement. Wonderful. Again, torture. I feel fortunate in some ways that I have been given this opportunity to rebuild myself into something that I can like. Is this optimism? Technique that’s Immortal Technique- cue title of this whole thing, says ‘pessimism is an emotion and not a philosophy’. Okay, I get it Universe. I wasn’t nice. It is not karma, it is living something that is fulfilling. Happiness is a western concept, who said that to me? True. I don’t expect to be happy but I expect to be fulfilled. Or I am responsible for my own fulfilment. Better.

I am so tired of broken hearts. I am so tired of love. I am so tired of trying to understand the thing that binds us and destroys us.

I did this self-help exercise where I had to order the list of the things that were most important to me out of the following six basic human needs.

• Certainty
• variety uncertainty
• significance
• love and connection
• contribution
• growth

It’s suppose to teach us how to build better relationships with people by understanding what they value/need. If we speak to their number one value we begin to fulfil their innate desires ergo we can make them happy or fulfilled. In the worst hands it looks like a cheat sheet in how to manipulate others. I understand that you need to feel significant therefore i will make you feel significant in order to get you to buy x. What is retail? Try use this information wisely. It’s a good deed if you make someone who values significance feel important without gain on your behalf. We have so much power over others when we understand what they need. Our needs are our weaknesses. I’m not telling you to be better. I’m telling myself.

My number one? Love and connection. If this is the most important value to me at the moment then how do I achieve it? Love is dumb like that, you can only gain love and connection if you give it. I forgot that when I was trying to fill the emotional chasm that is my self indulgent pain. I checked my attitude at the door. New year, new me? Fucking LOL.

I really didn’t want to give. After my friend died all I could think about was how no one deserved anything, or that people just wanted to take from me. It blinded me. So I lost things that only God could remove. I lost my career, I lost love, I lost health. Amazing isn’t it? I didn’t lose anything at the hands of other people, I wasn’t being taken advantage of or my kindness abused, I lost things all by myself. I chose to lose them. Lose has lost an O (grammar joke). Yes, some things were out of my control but the arrogance that ‘the world just wants everything from me’ well that notion got a thorough challenge. It didn’t make it through the duel. I needed to learn to lose to let go. Let go of my ideas of self, my ideas of others, my ideas on how the world works. Humility.

Here is a list of people that I have forgiven. My ex-bf, my father, my paternal grandmother. I know I wrote a tirade on how forgiveness is perfunctory but it’s some higher eye type bullshit that giving people absolution is like giving people love. Here is another quote. This one is by Lacan and was often repeated to me ‘love is giving something you don’t have to someone who doesn’t want it’.

Destroy your ego, you might find love and forgiveness little heroine. Even if you are the only one standing there to receive it now.

xx SJ