Just when I thought 2019 was gonna cut me a break and leave me alone in heart ache. 

My father (biological) is currently in a hospital in the third world. Gun shot wound. It sounds dramatic. If I can tell you one thing… the cunt doesn’t die. He really doesn’t. Life is not done with him.

In the context that I am experiencing this scenario I feel disassociated. Fun fact- I learned this news off the radio via my mother’s brother. That’s correct loyal readership, my father was shot with a 45 in cold blood and no one on his side of the family has contacted me to inform me. 

It feels apt. The timing of the universe is spectacular. What have I learned? I didn’t feel one god damn thing. My ma offered to fly me home to see my father and I said “i don’t want to go”.

Is that fucked? I don’t feel anything but compassion. I feel terrible that he may die without his only blood born heir. Maybe be doesn’t need me, maybe he isn’t asking for me. I am not so egotistical that I presume. All I feel is sadness. I have forgiven him but I have also closed a door on him and if I can cut my father. Well ergo, there’s not much else in the world I can’t cut.

I found out and the strangest thing happened. I didn’t know who to call. I had a moment when I thought “I want ‘X’”, you can guess who that is. Then I realised I fucking got this. 

I am drunk. Someone helped me out with that. But it’s more than that. In my yearning I decided that this will not be an excuse to open a door. After all. Isn’t this what Daddy dearest has offered me. I am able to forgive but that forgiveness is for myself. Your conscious is on you babe.  

Daddy, I hope you find peace and fulfilment. But it’s not on me to be your teacher. You fucked up and there’s consequences because you are not entitled to forgiveness that serves you.

If you are stubborn, I am worse. 

I’ll tell you one thing for free. I can go to the grave with my decision. I hope you can go to gently with yours. Rest in Peace if that is the way the cards fall. If you live. Please, don’t speak to me. It’s not necessary.

Formerly Daddy’s Girl,

SJ xx