HI.

I think it is coming together. I am sitting and I am writing and that is the first sign of tangible recovery. My god, will you have to listen to the endless droll of a self-pitying drug addict? Never. 

I don’t identify with being an addict which is strange because it is generally accepted that you can identify with any sexual preference. In these current turbulent political times, let’s watch our words here. Is it a preference to be heterosexual, homosexual, pansexual, a sexual or is it just the thing we are? I don’t care enough about other people to probe them on their identity or their choices. What a productive form of narcissism. It’s not always so bad eh? You do you babe because what I’m doing is obsessing over myself and you are not as interesting or special to me. Like that’s fine, I don’t think I’m interesting or special to you either. Live and let live. 

I don’t want to be an addict because I know too many addicts that use it to shape the very core of their personality like monitoring your impulse control is the thing you babysit all day. Wow, is that how you lose your identity to motherhood because all your time and focus shifts away from yourself? That sounds like it sucks. And, is the reverse of addiction where all your time and focus is on yourself yet you still lose your identity. It must be because all your time and focus is concentrated on fulfilling your desires and having everything you desire has got to be bad because no one said anything good about it. They seem to get everything they want and still find dissatisfaction (who the fuck is they? I sound like a bitter conspirator. You fill in the subject please).  Because a human is a being that needs to feel. Eye roll. My mother dearest, moping about my house, teary-eyed, looking listlessly at a wall, tells me she is sad for no reason and that’s ok and fine because if she wasn’t sad she wouldn’t be a person. Okay. 

I personally don’t like being sad. Not because I think that we should always be happy but because it is exhausting. Plus, life hack. You know you can make it go away if you do drugs. Duh! 

My neural pathways are rewiring. I wonder if I can build them smarter. I take more care in my sentences because I am worried I don’t know how to write them anymore. 

HI. She’s back with baby steps. 

SJ xx