Two years and I think that the wound has become a scar.

Yesterday was the second year death anniversary of my dead friend. It wasn’t bad. I stood there and it felt ok, like I had made peace with it. The dead have the easiest job. 

I sat there smoking a cigarette with him thinking, my past is done. I think I became a grown up. I wasn’t linked to my junkie ex bf, I haven’t spoken to my best friend properly in over a year. I still have this strange broken heart that I cant explain or place so I leave it be. 

I was very tangled up in the past tense, always felt like I was running or escaping, that I always just had to be out of reach. Time. What the fuck is it? The memories are so fragile. It just breaks apart. 

Well that was dramatic. Dear Internet, it’s been a while. In my absence I started going to sound healings, that’s some new age shit with drums and noise that I can’t explain as healthy or sane. The most popular post on here is the one about my twin flame. What a dangerous concept. Mainly, cause my psychic told me that my junkie ex-bf wasn’t my twin flame and it threw off the centre of my universe as I knew it, spiralling an unhealthy fixation on the boy that does not love me. Oh? Did you know about that one? It’s really boring and the emotion is exhausting. 

I also became recently obsessed with Karma, not that I fully understand the concept. I’m just standing still right now contemplating what lessons I need to master in this lifetime. There’s been some beautiful unfolding of life, divine timing or tragedy. Jury’s out. 

True confession I wrote this on the 10th of March and today is now the 4th of April.

Back to the psychic, I went yesterday, not because I was having a true emotional crisis as per usual. I couldn’t tell you my motivation. Maybe because I have read every source available on google, ten pages deep about twin flames. Maybe, the motivation was seeking new information. Was it helpful? No, therapy is helpful. I do it for fun-sies.

It’s been over twelve weeks since I last spoke to my heart destroying twin, and now I feel like my psyche is in crisis. I dreamt of him twice last week. It’s a purge. What I can’t explain to myself is that I am happy. I’m the closest to commitment and stability and a picket white fence that I have been my entire life. Granted, it’s probably only because I know it’s ending in two weeks. The ways we love when we know it’s final. Scarcity is real. What is marketing and sales? Love like you know the other person will die or leave you – cause they will. I like it. It fits in with my ethos. I did survive my broken heart, surviving nostalgia, well that is a new one isn’t it?

xx SJ