Hi internet, thought I’d check in. I haven’t done much. I keep wanting to write but I don’t have any thoughts that are cohesive. It could be the alcohol flooding my brain. Today is the 1st of February. I haven’t been sober since the 3rd of January for more than 4 days. It is a talent. I do have special skills in having a carousel of drunks to surround myself with. 

I have so many different feelings that I want to annihilate because by having any feeling over you it means you still have a hold on me. I woke up today and I knew the past was over and it was a moment that lasted 5 minutes before I got dressed and cried before I had to go to work. Tears always stop. How dramatic. Doesn’t matter what I tell myself. None of it matters. It is what it is. You are a fucking liar and I hate you. I’m proud of myself, you know I don’t stalk you on any media. Too bad I’m writing this psycho rant in the second person. It’s cause I’m drunk. Judge me. Crucify me. 

Last night I stayed up too late drinking expensive boutique navy strength gin. Yeah, there is a real market for that in my country. Anyway, I told my friend this story of how my father was shot. He was … curious. The most comforting thing that he could say to me (with an edge of insensitivity- his MO) was it sucks when your parent is the flawed human. It sucks when strangers are flawed human beings and when your friends are flawed human beings but the person who is supposed to love and care for you, when they are flawed that sucks the most. It is the closest to sympathy he can reach. He taught me to see people as characters in a novel. That is how he views the world. I think that’s how he understands it. Read enough novels, see enough human flaws, be less surprised. Perhaps my uncle dearest was right, I read too many books growing up and now I have wild romantic ideals and no realism. 

What if we are characters in our own narratives? Is this helpful? What if I saw myself written on the page and that was how I based my own decisions. Like hey SJ, are you going to break up with the guy who loves you on a whim for the boy you think you love? No, no little heroine. It is a trap!!!! Imagine if I could see myself as a tertiary character acting out a novel, would I make such bad choices and would I be surprised by the actions of others? Very rarely does a character surprise you in a well written novel. Characters are predictable. It is what makes them strong. I said strong not right. A strong character in a novel is one that is well written precisely because they are predictable. Think about it. Even redemption stories, we as an audience still need to see the seeds of hope sewn prior to the culmination. Jesus, there are always little hints in a novel about how the protagonist will act whether it be noble or spiteful. Pay attention. 

If I were to write a novel about us, I wouldn’t miss the signs that you were bad news. Murakami says a writers job is to observe with kindness and reserve judgement. I’ve been thinking about observing human nature a lot recently. Fuck, I have read enough books to not be surprised by how people act. 

People never change. You are a liar. 

xx SJ