I’ve been writing this piece for a while.
When something really shit happens to you there’s this idea that if you can find forgiveness, you can find peace. Yeah, that’s pretty rich; just wait until you need to apply the advice into your own life. See how much forgiveness you got in you then.
When a misdeed is committed against you, you can reason it out. You can understand the action, you can understand the motivation but you are in no way obliged to forgive that person. And why the fuck would you? Yeah, people have bad childhoods. Yeah, people have bad brain chemistry. But when did we decide that people are excused from bad behaviour or don’t need to take responsibility. People may not have control over their circumstances but they have agency. Why is the onus on the hurt party to release themselves from the torment of another’s actions? I don’t believe in forgiveness. I believe in enough time passing that you learn to live with your non-forgiveness.
Also, what is this ego trip that you think the other person wants your forgiveness. Are they even apologising to you? You’re not doing it for yourself or being the bigger person by graciously bestowing forgiveness on others. “Oh no, no, no, no. I insist. Here is my perfunctory forgiveness that you didn’t ask for”. It’s unrequited forgiveness. People don’t seek genuine forgiveness if they don’t recognise their mistake. People will, however, apologise to gain something. Watch out for the forgiveness manipulator. Pro tip- in that scenario, your apology will arrive on bended knee, you might even get a song or a heart felt letter about how fucking sorry they are. Or a new phone.
There is a certain amount of power in the inability to forgive another person. If you cant genuinely forgive someone. Then don’t. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
Maybe my issue around forgiveness stems from the expression ‘forgive and forget’. When I forgive someone I don’t throw it back in their face. EVER. That’s not real forgiveness. Don’t fake your forgiveness and don’t fake your orgasms. Both leave you perpetually unsatisfied.
Why it’s important not to forget
SJ, you cant live your life in anger. SJ, you need to let go. No. don’t tell me what to do. You know why I was so affected by shit cause I forgot that I’m not a forgiver and that that’s ok. Cause you know what, it’s the passion that keeps me invested in the world. One of my friends casually commented that I was still “bothered” by the situation with my ex bf. What a euphemism. I know it’s been a long time. He does not bother me, I’m bothered by what he represents. So sit the fuck down, let’s get this straight.
Yeah some asshole that I had no reason to not trust tried to fuck me while I was incapacitated drunk. People feel injustice about that. They REALLY care. I on the other hand don’t really care about him. He’s a predator. And I wont be forgiving him anytime soon either. But there’s some sense in it. He saw me and I was at a disadvantage and he tried to prey on me. Fine. What I think is worse than potential rapists is the culture of victim blaming. I tell my boyfriend at the time what happened to me and he says “well why would you be drunk texting a guy at 2am if a part of you didn’t want to go?”
Lynchings are bad and all and individual acts of violence suck but your bad boi problem is the institution of racism. So how about we just forgive and forget cause you should be happy that you’re treated as subhuman and subjected to violence and oppression. Just be at peace with it. Try forgiveness for the injustices committed against you. Nothing will ever change so let’s just change your attitude. Do you get my point? You’re not defending racists are you m8? So step up. Defend my cunt ex bf and his victim blaming shit.
Do you get why I’m angry? Why I refuse to get over his attitude and why I refuse to forgive him. When people don’t understand this, I kind of think yeah. Fuck off. You were raised by a different moral code to me and I just don’t have time for your weak as fuck excuses. Violence against women is not okay but your attitude towards it is just as important and if I forgive your attitude, if I don’t give a fuck, if I forget it then I’m complicit. It’s pretty black and white.
To all the people I refuse to forgive I just want you to know that if you were on fire, I would step over your burning corpse. This is called living by your principles. Why would I compromise what I believe in because of this idea that forgiveness will set me free. I call bullshit. How does it help me? And if you think forgiveness is helping you ‘move on’ good fucking luck. Do this simple test; if you can’t forget it then you can’t forgive it.