Venus is in retrograde. Yes, I am back and more fragile than ever. Excellent for you! Where was I? In crisis and also complacent. Must I be in love? Long story. Jury’s out. You know me, tortured by heartbreak is my primary motivator to writing. And we’re back! I missed you too.
Venus is the planet that rules relationships. It is also the planet that rules Libra. Fun fact- I am a triple Libra (sun, moon and rising). So as you can imagine we are affected. In this particular retrograde the internet has advised me to delve back into past relationships and question what worked and what didn’t work. What I need and what no longer serves me. Wonderful.
Like all terrible truths I think the answer lies within myself. That all the things that didn’t work in my relationships was my ability to love myself. It hasn’t been the first time I was called out on this. I try and I torture myself over loving others who also cant love themselves. Is there anything more attractive than giving your love to someone who also can’t love themselves. Maybe I see myself in the reflection. If I love you enough then maybe that will equate to me eventually loving myself enough. Am I dooming myself to continue to try love the self esteem back into others? We accept the standard we think we deserve. I had a birthday recently and was cornered in a bathroom by one of my best friends who drunkly told me how amazing I was. Not a humble brag. A terrible look into how poorly I think of myself. It is so hard to hear this stuff when all you think about is what is wrong with you and what you should be improving on. I know one thing for certain and that is that we are responsible for our happiness. So why stay? Why is it that the situation that feels the best is never the good choice. Do I hate stability or do I hate myself? Who would want love offered on a plate when you can work your guts out trying to accomplish a relationship that probably needed to end like a long time ago? Vague and drifting. I am lost at sea with nothing to hold onto and no horizon just this endless blue that will drown me. Yes, your girl is back to self indulgent dream scapes. Lost at sea. My fav.
About a month ago, I went to Tony Robbins who is a self help ‘guru’. A lot of shit was learned. People are sad and lost and not resilient. There’s one thing I can put on my list of attributes. At least I have a lot more bounce back than your average. We’ll talk about how Tony cured me and taught me how to hug later. But for now, I want to talk about focus. ‘Where you place your focus is where your energy follows’. It’s pretty basic. But he doesn’t need to say anything new. He just needs to reiterate universal truth with some awful music and choreographed dancing. Fuck me. It was a trial to endure.
I’m too tired to continue on to some nice lesson that I know. Nothing is sitting well. All I am is confused. No editing. I cant be fucked. This just needs to go up to prove to myself that I am still a ‘writer’.
With appreciate for your time.
The eternal heroine,