It’s New Year’s Eve and my plan is to spend it alone. Or with my best friends, any work of written fiction or non fiction by an author I admire. If this is the date that we write a summation of the year then I am fucked. Jupiter is in Pisces and for the next seven months and that is auspicious. A time when dreams come true if you can avoid your shadow nature. Yes, I’m still clean. From benzodiazepam. I am not 100% clean from my deep longing of men who will not fulfil the void within me. Circle back around to the feeling of loneliness. It’s aching. It doesn’t make me sad or depressed. It’s closer to grief. Loneliness must be the proof that humans are social creatures that we need more than ourselves. I promise to never date another boy with a wolf tattoo. You’re not a lone wolf. You’re selfish.
The annoying thing about having documentation of my work from mental breakdown to this current state of affairs is that I can see the pattern. If I were to write out a list of my ‘lessons’ for the year. It would look a lot like the list I wrote for my thirtieth birthday.
The biggest change I have seen in myself over the last month or so is my attachment to ‘working towards a future’. It’s intriguing the way I respond to my friends starting families. As more and more of my social media friends post photos of their newborn children it opens the question of ‘what do i have to do to get there’. The girl who can’t make a plan feels pressured into making decisions that lead to that path. And I don’t know if I can answer whether I want to have a family. I just know that you always want what you can’t have. When the option is removed by my biological time bomb. I’ll probably want it and I will look back and think about how I misspent my good looks and child bearing womb on boys that were fun.
It’s not a question of ‘what is my life and what do I have to show for it?’. I’m not a middle aged man driving a sports car with a pretty girlfriend that’s too young (i’m the girlfriend. Joke). It’s deeper than that. It’s trying to fight my nature, the naivety ‘that it all works out’. Well, yeah cause that was the only way it could work out, until we figure out how to live in parallel universes simultaneously.
Let’s try and stay positive. It is the New Year after all. I need to write. That’s what I learned this year. Told you, lesson we already knew. And I need to be okay without a boyfriend. Yuck, the sentence feels bad to type. I need to focus on myself without distraction. That’s a good one. Yep, that at least is true. If I didn’t have a love interest then I had an addiction to work. Anything to avoid this, yet I purport that I’m a writer.
I feel more confident in my work (psychic cured me). That’s another positive.
Twenty four hours later and we have completed a rotation of the sun like that means anything. It’s 2022. And the trick is to not let yourself think the change will happen overnight.
A friend of mine came over last night and we had a grown up dinner, binge watched TV and went to the beach to watch fireworks. I did not get excessively drink but this morning I feel excessively depressed. Listen to your body. My brain chemistry can’t handle it.