In yesterday’s post I half assed mentioned how I live in the present. Maybe death is a bigger thing than I admitted. I guess my fucking friend surprise dying on me suspended me in time. Believe it or not, I’m a fun kind of gal and I think that is directly correlated to my impulse regulation. In new age meditation speak one would call me ‘present’. I fucking just do shit cause it seems like a good idea but harmless things. Nothing major. When I know I’m making the wrong decision, I run into it hard and fast. It’s physics right? If you’re on a field, playing a sport (obvs not me), in order to minimise injury on yourself you run into the obstacle at max force as oppose to trying to slow down. Inertia. Or is this a lie that they tell boys to make them try harder at winning? Omg babe, did you just concuss someone? Your brute force is so attractive. Swoon.
The fear that motivates my forward momentum and the joie de vivre that was my former living is the consciousness of how short life is and the need to experience it in the most tactile way. This is why I have a thing for sex, drugs and food. You’re going to die so why deny yourself the things that feel good. I take so much pleasure in physical experience. Human emotion can fuck the fuck off. Uh huh yes, I admit, it took me almost a decade to learn about moderation. Um… where do you think the addictive personality and love of benzos stem from? Fun living. Present living can be danger zone, like I said yesterday. The girl living in the moment hasn’t got any plans for a future. And that my love, is now my newest fear. Fuck that. Fear that is new is fucking scary.
You know what I find a fascinating fear? “Fear I will be forgotten”. Some CEO talked about it. It was the thing that pushed him forward to succeed, this great desire to create legacy. So so interesting! These religious books and psych articles keep telling me that there are only two basic human emotions. Fear and love and all the others branch out from them. I don’t know if I can name anyone who acts purely from ‘love’. Maybe these are the insane hippies. Like the whole time we look at their dirty hair and awful clothes and organic carrots like no psychos you couldn’t possibly be happy that filthy and vegan. Fear is a hard habit to break and I’m not sold that any doctrine of love is really embraced wholly. Like altruism. It’s not real. It’s something you work on. Work on love, work against fear. There’s more to this thread. I just haven’t thought out my thoughts yet. TBC.