I miss you – and you’re alive

Melbourne

Hello my love, I apologise for my neglect. Of course, there has been emotional turmoil. After all, it is me. I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m so tired, my nightmares are back. And I’m finding it difficult to find a space to be. I feel isolated but not lonely, I can’t reach out to the only boy that probably does love me or has shown me what real love looks like because I am emotionally incapable (thank you Daddy- biological). The boy, well, no I think he is a man, is overseas- offer is still on the table little heroine, come. 

I am affected with the judgement of other people, I’m pointing the finger at my twin flame. God, I hate that guy. There were so many accusations like ‘you’re going to go back to your ex’, ‘you’re going to cheat on me’. It is so hard to remain silent. If the internet, and an anonymous blog is the only place that I am able to defend myself, well, I will take it. I’m not even back together with my ex bf. After old m8 twin flame ripped out my heart. I didn’t go running back to my ex. I understood I burned the bridge. I knew what I was doing at the time. It’s ok. I made my choice. But truly he showed me a lesson in forgiveness. He’s going to need a pseudonym because really my list of ex-bfs is too long. I guess? Current ex-bf?

Current ex-bf/ faux bf. Faux as in we are tied together by deep emotional bonds but not physically cause duh, he’s overseas. Not faux as in pretend bf like twin flame entangled me in. I lost the point. I’m also in a fear loop, if you have been following along, I didn’t sleep for almost a year after my friend died in 2017. It was horrendous. Nightmares galore.

I think what I’m haunted by is: the last time I saw my current ex-bf. I have this thing where I cannot watch someone go if I know they are leaving overseas or I wont see them again for a while. Some people turn back and look, I can’t. I will not turn my pretty little head around to watch them walk away. 

So we were at that moment. Outside his house. Uber waiting. Me, losing stars from my rating. And it’s a dumb movie moment which of course, I relish cause I’m dramatic by nature. He’s looking at me like he’s saying goodbye forever and part of me is truly terrified that I can see the love he has for me shifting. Even after I broke his heart on New Year’s Eve by telling him I wanted to be with my Twin Flame when we were supposed to be ‘working things out’, I knew he still fucking loved me. You can see it in the eyes. Always. If you have ever said good bye to an ex, you will know which one was the final goodbye, by the way their eyes let you go. It’s brutal. I can tell you every fucking moment I knew it had ended with someone I loved. I’m only on a total of four “i love you” people.  

The last words, in person, my current ex- bf said to me were “you’re so special”. I think it was worse than him saying “i love you”. I think it was the worst, most heartbreaking goodbye in the world. In close contention to that time I once cried so hard when someone broke up with me that I had a nose bleed. True story. 

I can’t stand missing someone. It feels like defeat. I spend all my days fighting it and all my nights dreaming it. My psychology is fucked. Please psychic I need a cure. The twin flame shit- which is what I know you all want to hear about because it is my most popular post. Eye roll. I don’t know, I don’t know if I miss him or what the fuck that is, I know that he is really really bad for me. I know that he will only hurt me. And my current ex-bf. I miss one of my best friends. Distance makes the heart grow fonder or does the crushing nature of the existence of an inherent state of isolation from others including but not exclusive to love interests but also encompassing all human connection just become more prevalent? Please feel free to submit an answer in my ask box!

I miss you and you’re alive- which sucks. I mean, it doesn’t suck you’re not dead. It just feels so familiar. 

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