Happy Birthday Baby Kitten – But what did you learn?

Melbourne

My last post was June. Muy bad. True confession- I can’t publish what I write. It was all a bit too scathing, even for me. I wrote a piece about how I hate my Twin Flame, titled “Letter to the Dead”. Festive. I wish I had the guts to post it to him but I don’t know where he lives anymore and I don’t know if that would open a box I shouldn’t fuck with. He will die soon. Not like that. As in, when there is no emotion attached to him. He will die. I’m past anger so that’s one step closer to the grave my love. 

I sat in the garden of thorns today and really wanted an answer. If the universe throws me this boy again, what am I going to do? I have a dull paranoia that when I’m really happy that he will come back. I have a dull paranoia that I will fuck up a really good thing to take another fucking chance on his fucked up ass. Why am I so stupid? Or self loathing? I just want this wound to heal to a point that I know that I can say ‘no’ to him. I do not want to exist in the same life time as him. 

My current ex-bf just left after spending two weeks in Melbourne. He’s still hustling in the USA sic not failing at his enterprise. I’m proud of him. He still loves me but there is a wall around him that I will never breach again. Smart man. I look at that relationship and grown up me recognises that it was love. Poor little kitten, you just didn’t see it. The irony is the thing that forged that relationship was you, my beloved Twinnie. Thanks, I guess. 

After my current ex-bf and I said our goodbyes in March. I did something unheard of, I remained single. Yeah gurl. Please let me be proud of this. I haven’t not not had a boyfriend since I was seventeen years old. That’s six months. I briefly dated an interesting Italian, last month. Non-smoker, vegetarian. I know. I refused to sleep with him (no bandaids) then he told me he was moving back to Italy. How can you trust anyone? He did say something interesting to me though, my fear that haunts me. “I don’t know if the idea of you and a relationship with you is ever going to be as good as reality”. Fuck me. I am so over being a fractured ideation of the male gaze. Please leave me alone and see your therapist about your mother issues. At least, he didn’t read Bukowski (another date story- pro tip, never date a boy that reads Bukowski or you will have to listen to them talk about their basic bro fiction taste and maybe have to listen to an acoustic version of a song they clearly wrote for their ‘crazy ex’. Boring).

I digress. Dear Universe, for my birthday, may I please have my Desert Island love. Thanks!

Desert Island theory – maybe my concept of love is too simplistic but here we go. I know that I’m in love with someone if I would chose to be stranded on a desert island with them. That’s a big call. This makes this your favourite person in the world. Someone whom you can hold space with. It is lovely. I know too many couples who would kill each other on a dessert island. Is that love if you can’t spend time with your partner without stimulus? All you have on this island is their company. It’s kinda an effective test and it kinda shows you who you love and who you are just using. Do not include this in a wedding speech. 

Do you remember that birthday I wrote down the lessons I learned over the past ten years? That was a good post. I wrote that in a really bad place, clinging to hope. This year, I am in a better place. I’m a contributing member of society. Fuck me, I’m a General Manger. Not bad for a girl with no talent. 

All I really want to learn this year is how to love fearlessly but I think it is tied to how to heal faithfully. 

SJ xx

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