Happy New Year! My resolution this year was a promise to myself to raise my standard. The standard being what I accept. I did something crazy. I took a leap of faith and I fell onto the jagged rocks of broken promises. Hi Daddy! As in my father. King of broken promises. Who’s your Daddy baby? You mean the guy who abandoned me, constantly told me how much he loved me and how he was coming home soon? Who’s my Daddy? Guess you were babe. You’re my Daddy. I can’t stand a broken promise. I value honour too much. When actions and words don’t line up. It is not the truth. You are being told lies little heroine. And in this world. I only want the truth. Everything I write about here is how I find truth and how I live it.
Where do we assign the blame? On me. I put that blame on me. Damn, you crazy fool. YOU FUCKING JUMPED. You are responsible for the consequences of your decisions. You little heroine know this one. Come on. That’s 17 year old SJ learning that some mistakes we can’t take back and still deciding to fucking jump. Impulse- perhaps it is my worst trait. But damn was it brave. I took that leap of faith and I was wrong but at least I did it and I will get the fuck back up. Apologies- I need to garner my strength and give myself these interludes of pep talks between the darker spiral of self hate. See the positive.
“I fucked up and it’s day 5 of the New Year” SJ- in tears, defeated. Personal side note: I cry now.
“But, you got 360 more to go and tomorrow is gonna be good. You’ll wake up stronger, I promise” MB- with his boundless optimism Personal note: he is so fucking earnest as a human being it is a sight to behold. I love him. If anyone else said this I would tell them to get fucked. He believed it and he believed it for me. It was a mercy.
Where is the fault? I don’t know. Does it matter? I’m still injured. It still hurt. I am hurt. One of the most unlikely people in the world gave me my lesson through this period. He didn’t teach it to me, no- the boy who I jumped for taught me the lesson. This one gave me something greater- he interpreted it.
This person was someone I had hurt very deeply in my life- Crying like the damsel in distress I am, I scream “this is the second time I have made the same fucking mistake (chosing the wrong love). I can’t do this. I can’t feel like I’m going backwards it is my fear.” Fucking oath, isn’t timing everything. New Year and I still have the same fear as the year before. Going backwards. Fuck no, if you’re going to do that to me. Stay the fuck away from me.
Anyway to return to interpreting my lesson, he said “SJ, stay in the hurt. You don’t learn your lessons cause you don’t stay in the hurt. Pain is the only way to grow. I don’t think it’s possible to grow without pain. You taught me that”. He was right in the way that I believe suffering is the most universal emotion. We all know what it is like to suffer. There is a reason why I needed this. I always focus so hard on finding the lesson cause I can’t be in the hurt. Stay in the hurt SJ, you will see the lesson later just stay in the hurt.
Do I regret that I jumped? No. It’s not that. I mean, my life philosophy when it comes to choice is pick the one that will give you the least regret when you go to the grave. I made the choice that I would always have made and that was to have faith and trust and fucking jump cause I’m me. Desperate romantic, fueled by fire and passion and hopeful that great love is worth the risk. It felt really good falling. It really did. But you didn’t catch me. And for that, I do not know if I have the forgiveness in me.
I have to keep this promise to myself. I have to raise my fucking standard or I have no honour and that is the real shame. Not being able to live with myself. There’s the real regret. Watch out, you can’t run from yourself. I know.
So I guess this piece isn’t about telling myself not to jump. There’s no shame in having faith in others. It is what makes me kind and it is what makes me hopeful. It is what makes me vulnerable but it is also what gives me strength. You just gotta watch out for the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
This piece is:
A promise to myself
I love you and I will protect you and keep you safe. No one will hurt you because I wont let them. It’s time to trust me.
Love SJ 2019
Persevere little heroine. It is your best feature.