The first year: I bring yellow roses because I’m mad. I realized you are dead. And I am angry. The second year: I bring red roses because I’m sorry for being petty. I find acceptance. The third year: I bring washed-out pink roses because that was the choice, that or orange. They didn’t have red […]

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I am so grateful for all my material possessions and the relationships I cultivate to prop up my fragile ego. Hello! The Little Heroine, she is negative. Danger! Danger! My doctor accused me of being bipolar. I will acknowledge that I do have generalized anxiety. Good job Doc, I mean, he just wouldn’t buy that […]

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Let’s get honest and high and drunk. I’m back. I took some valium, I’m drinking raspberry absolut (the only hard liquor in my house) and I just put down “the meditations of marcus aurelius” to read “he’s just not that into you”. I’m on a fiction ban. Salmon Rushdie only reads poetry when he’s writing […]

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Where is the safety I seek? Here on paper. By myself, within myself. I’m losing my shit. I’m so fragile I think I might break. Is it always about surviving? MB says no. Life is too beautiful and the future so undefined that it’s not about surviving the day to day, there is more. I […]

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Hello my love, I apologise for my neglect. Of course, there has been emotional turmoil. After all, it is me. I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m so tired, my nightmares are back. And I’m finding it difficult to find a space to be. I feel isolated but not lonely, I can’t reach […]

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Two years and I think that the wound has become a scar. Yesterday was the second year death anniversary of my dead friend. It wasn’t bad. I stood there and it felt ok, like I had made peace with it. The dead have the easiest job.  I sat there smoking a cigarette with him thinking, […]

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Hi internet, thought I’d check in. I haven’t done much. I keep wanting to write but I don’t have any thoughts that are cohesive. It could be the alcohol flooding my brain. Today is the 1st of February. I haven’t been sober since the 3rd of January for more than 4 days. It is a […]

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Just when I thought 2019 was gonna cut me a break and leave me alone in heart ache.  My father (biological) is currently in a hospital in the third world. Gun shot wound. It sounds dramatic. If I can tell you one thing… the cunt doesn’t die. He really doesn’t. Life is not done with […]

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What a fucking mess. I’m on a train to country Victoria to stay on my friend’s farm and lick my wounds. I haven’t been sober for 5 days. At least I’m not fucked up on cocaine. This is improvement. Each night I’ve been having long and arduous heart to hearts on my situation. Remember that […]

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